ADHD AND MY CREATIVITY

Dopamine Chemical Structure

Yes, I have ADHD. I was diagnosed when I was 42. It didn’t surprise me at all; I had suspected it for some time before. It was an article in the Guardian that finally prompted me to speak to my GP, who then referred me to the local ADHD clinic. After a four-hour interview, which felt like an interrogation, I was given a diagnosis of ADD [inattentive sub-type without the ubiquitous hyperactivity] and given a prescription for Methylphenidate [a CNS stimulant].

After a period of trial and error, titration, regular blood pressure requests and incessant ‘how are you feeling’ questions, I finally reached the highest dose recommended. This turned out to be a major problem. As with all stimulants, ‘what goes up, must come down’, and they tend to wear off quicker than hoped. I subsequently fell into a deeply unpleasant depression. Even though I was already a sufferer of depression, this was a very distinct and frightening variant: insidious, black and chemical, as if my brain had blackened like a diseased lung. Hope and pleasure gone.

However, my medication changed to another stimulant, Lisdexamphetamine [Elvanse, or Vyvanse, as it is known in the US]. Suffice to say, it also hasn’t been an easy ride, fluctuating between periods of hyperfocus and the inevitable ‘crash’. Nevertheless, I prefer having the ability to focus, even for frustratingly short periods, to the lying on the sofa, unmotivated, miserable, person I could become. Daily chores would be ignored, not through idleness, but that they would become ‘unseen’. [Individuals with ADHD may find chores tedious or overwhelming, leaving tasks seldomly finished].

It is widely believed that many sufferers of ADHD are also creatives [there don’t appear to be statistics to back this up, scientifically speaking…] – artists, performers, writers and musicians. The brain works in mysterious ways, but the neurodivergent brain somehow focuses on concepts, imagery and the ability to problem solve. I think this is key to understanding why I became a conceptual artist as opposed to a more ‘traditional’ artist. It makes perfect sense to me that conceptual art somehow chose me, as I become absorbed in the process of turning a concept into a physical artifact, generally finalising my ‘concept’ through my obsessions with neon, molecular structures, lightboxes and the use of words that can be controversial and can convey so much meaning.

So, is being Neurodivergent a blessing in disguise? I visualise it as a double-sided brain, on the one side it comes with a plethora of unpleasant side-effects such as: rumination, lack of executive function, over- emotionality, sentimentalism, overwhelming anxiety, impatience, repetition, intrusive thoughts, depression, low self-esteem [and the list goes on…]. However, on its flipside, it also has at its heart: empathy, problem solving abilities, kindness, a strong sense of justice, tenacity, persistence and a desire to change the world around us. I suppose it can be summed up rather prosaically by the title of a Catatonia album, “equally cursed and blessed”.

I intend to embrace it, to use its positives to my benefit and to inform my work and my life. After all, I only have two choices: to drop off the metaphorical cliff edge into a self-loathing abyss, or to channel it for the betterment of myself, my wife and the people around me. Amen.